Coping With Grief

Coping with Grief and Loss

There are 5 stages of grief. However, it is important to understand that no one grieves the same.  Some may stay in any of the stages longer than someone else.  Some may not follow the order of these stages. Others may skip some of the stages.  

The five stages of grief

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

     

When I lost my mother, my first reaction was denying she had passed away.  In my mind, I could see her breath.  I went to the nurse's station and I told them they were wrong.  I could see her breathing. I argued with the nurse. I consider myself a very rational person. Yet, in that moment, I was refusing to believe she had passed.  It took over an hour before I could get myself to believe that I was hallucinating that I was seeing her breath. Then I was angry that her doctors did not believe her when she complained about how she felt after her surgery to remove the cancer and that they could have prevented the blood clot that caused her stroke, which eventually caused her death. When I finally left the hospital, I couldn't get out of bed for about a week.  I was just too depressed.  I couldn't bring myself to pick up her ashes.

What made this even more difficult was that my service dog of 13 years passed away a week before my mom died. I felt so very alone. It has been 8 months and I can't say that I have reached acceptance. It still feels surreal to me. I still have times when something I experience prompts me to call my mom, and then I remember that she isn't with me anymore. I still call the room my mom slept in, "my mom's room."  I still call her car "my mom's car." I felt wrong about accepting the money my mom left me as if accepting it was stealing from my mom. As for my service dog, there are times when I think I see him or hear him, and it is very disconcerting because I know he isn't with me anymore.  Yet, for as much as I was grieving the loss of my mom and my service dog, I never cried. At the vet, as my dog's heart finally stopped, I never cried. The vets seemed taken aback by the fact that I didn't want a paw print or any reminder of him.  

I did not follow the 5 stages.  I never bargained.  I went from anger to depression, and I have yet to reach acceptance. 

There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.  The only thing that is important concerning our grief is that we acknowledge that we are grieving.  This can be in the form of fear or anxiety, not just depression.  

If you have a grieving friend or family member, it is important to know what to do and what not to do.  Refuge in Grief is a great place to get help either for someone seeking to help someone who is grieving, or to get support if you are grieving. Megan Devine is the founder of Refuge in Grief.  She is the one who coined the phrase, "It is OK that you are not OK."  Check out her podcasts below. 

              

How have people acted around you after your loss?  How have you felt around the person who has experienced the loss?